A Good Thing to Remember
I received an important back-channel reminder: Everyone's experience of loss is unique; everyone's specific relational role regarding the loved one influences the intensity and duration of grief as well. It seems self evident, but it really IS a different experience for brothers and sisters, for cousins and friends, for grandparents, aunts, and uncles, for teachers and classmates, and so on. Most especially, research suggests that the impact on parents stands alone among grief experiences. Seligman, in Authentic Happiness, reported that the happiness "setpoint" of bereaved parents shows a downward re-set for a very long time, a very atypical occurrance compared to other situations of suffering. Linley and Joseph, in Positive Psychotherapy, indicated this particular traumatic loss appears different from other losses in it's duration and intensity as well. The unique experience of parents is also suggested by McLaughin's research, gathered from the point of view of nurse-as-researcher.
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Point well taken. That is why I never ever say to a bereaved parent, "I know what you are going through because I lost my dad in an accident that may have been murder." Loss of a child is worse. . . we expect our lineage to continue--and it should. Our genetic impulses compel us to do this, though that hardly encompasses the emotions we experience of being parents. The rules seem quite broken then when a child dies before the parent. I have heard many well-intentioned folks say to bereaved parents things that surely are worse than silence: “It is better this way.” “Life goes on.” “Luckily, you still have five other children.” (To the latter, the mother replied, “I never thought I had one child too many.”) So how about some comments on how friends CAN respond meaningfully. Hugs? Sitting quietly? Sharing memories of the child for years to come? I’d love to hear from you.
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