Suffering:
Is there a kind of mourning that never ends? If so, could a positive psychology perspective apply to those enduring such a loss?
Columba McLaughlin (2007) writes in her recently published book on self harm and suicide, that, of the numerous people she has met bereaved by the suicide of a loved one, none has fully recovered. Loss from suicide, she writes, produces a powerful constellation of long lasting feelings among family and friends, feelings more powerful, more long-lasting, than those of other losses. These feelings are life altering.
To many who mourn this type of loss, a look at signature strengths that existed in tact and in full range before the loss has the potential of adding pain rather than relieving it. While these former strengths may one day need "un-cloaking," they, too, represent another loss of self for the bereaved. As with help and support of any kind, readiness is the unbreakable law here as well.
But do these former strengths have, in fact, a role to play in how those who mourn seek help to approximate some level of the elusive destination, coming to terms, or to arrive at the mythical place, accepting? What do those, bereaved by the self-harm of a loved one, truly need from a positive psychology perspective? What CAN they tolerate from guided awareness of their now-transformed signature strengths? What can they be offered as they live with sadness, yet long for joy?
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3 comments:
Wow, good questions. And the next logical step from eating colors.
I wrote a very long, detailed, reflective and insightful (trust me on that) comment, but accidentally erased it, so you will get just the bottom line.
This type of loss is transforming. Our signature strengths (and ourselves) are transformed at first inevitably and uncontrollably. Later though, I believe they can be re-transformed to become great gifts to us.
Readiness is definitely key, but I think that help in reaching an awareness and appreciation of these now re-transformed strengths can be a wonderful thing.
Natalie
Readiness for change, guided awareness, uncloaking the transformed signature strengths---do seem influenced by those former strengths. I wonder if awareness of the self during the time of "former strength" helps guide the process to the uncloaking of the transformed signature strengths--and how the strengths of those around the transformed one, influence the readiness for guidance? Certainly, the strengths of the transformed survivors must include hope, courage, grit and determination.
I think it's important when thinking of these questions- what can positive psychology offer someone who has been emotionally harmed by a loved one's suicide- not to offer platitudes. I don't need to hear that "everything is going to be all right" because it's not. However, it can be better. I think that once the initial hole has been patched over (never filled, always a sore spot- like my stupid tooth), it is possible to build new on top of it. The important thing is to recognize that there will always be a sore/soft spot- it must be scaffolded, recognized, but it doesn't always have to be in the forefront of the mind.
So coaches- help your clients recognize that it's okay to mourn, but better to focus on what good life has to offer. I go back to my new favorite song by Sixx A.M. "Life is Beautiful". Uncovering the strengths of the past can be hurtful when one sees where one is, but with the proper guidance, the recovering of the strengths can be beneficial for the future.
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